Living With The Dead (Akira/Vash/Guo/Rin)

[Vash, the Angel's Moon]

I smiled, one eyebrow raised at 'Guo's little meditative position. It didn't look like an easy feat of balance, and I took another drink of the sake I'd bought, sighing and shaking my head with a chuckle. Tonight, maybe, when things had settled a bit - I'd clear things up between us. I hoped I could, anyway. Maybe it would be better, just to send 'Guo and Akira on to Ignis, and disappear out of their lives. Maybe it woudl be easier on all of us... It wasn't as though I hadn't been planning on it anyway. After 'Guo was fully trained, I would have to leave, and make sure never to run into him again. It was a sobering thought.

It took a lot of effort to get me even a little tipsy. I took an even larger drink from the bottle, deciding to put in that effort tonight. I didn't want to think about reality anymore.

[Akira Satou]

Akira sighs with a slow closing of her eyes. "Alright, the tension here is thicker than the glaciers in Ghiaccio. 'Guo, I have no idea why you're so mad at Mr. Vash. And know what, I don't care. But you guys are friends, right? Kelcia and I had an argument once. Wasn't worth it, you know? So just... deal with it, okay? Move on." Not the greatest advice, but her face was turning a little pink after the rather large swig she just took.

"Just.. relax. Enjoy the sake, or water. Whatever you're sippin' tonight. You had a long day, alright?"

[Zhen Anguo]

"You're getting drunk." 'Guo pointed out, not looking across at the blonde haired woman, his eyes still closed and his balance remained in perfect condition. He was in his own little world at the moment, to the point where he wasn't quite even sure what the woman had said. He had however, managed to catch the gist of her point.

"I'm not mad at Vash..." He finally opened one eye, needing to keep at least one closed in order to keep his ritual initiated, and glanced across at Akira. For once managing to make direct eye contact, it also dawned on him this was probably the first time he hadn't actually been smiling in front of his teacher. If anything, he looked angry. Perhaps it was because Akira was somewhat tipsy, it made him feel more comfortable that he could hope she wouldn't remember the seriousness of his expression, the anger within it. He closed his eye again and continued his meditation, in his oddly balanced position.

"I'm disappointed."

[Vash, the Angel's Moon]

"Disappointed?" I asked, giving him my full attention again. "Why disappointed, and not angry?" My expression and tone were merely curious, maybe a little surprised. I really did want to know; and I was far from angry with my student.

[Zhen Anguo]

"I'm disappointed because you're my teacher." He said calmly. He was finished with his ritual, and he dropped the stool back onto all fours to show as such, but his eyes remained closed, balled up fists sat in his lap. "You're the one who is supposed to keep us on the straight and narrow... You're teaching us how to use these powers we have to keep us safe, make sure we don't do something stupid and hurt innocent people..." He could feel something well up in his breast, something that burned him inside, something completely alien to him. "But you lied, Vash." He slammed his fist on the table when he said his teachers name, drawing a few stares from the spirits who were excited to see something different in their monotonous existence.

'Guo stood up, his stool falling backwards. He felt no better.

"You preach about control, peace and love, but then you lie to me! How can I trust you now?! What did you think? That I'd hate you for what you are?! Vash, I didn't even understand what I was, what Kerrian was, what you are until a few weeks ago. I don't care what you are! I care that you lied to me. How can I tell that whatever you tell me next, isn't lies, huh?!" He resisted the urge to flip the table. Instead he picked up his stool, loudly set it down and sat on it once more.

"I'm just disappointed."

[Vash, the Angel's Moon]

I closed my eyes, listening to his words of wisdom, words I'd never expected to hear from my student.

He's right, you know.

"You don't have to tell me that," I mumbled under my breath. "I know.... but it's the only way..." I shook my head.

"'Guo," I said calmly, "mind... taking a step outside with me?" I stood, carefully, precisely, every movement exactly calculated with great care as I pushed the chair back, leaving my bottle of alcohol forgotten on the table.

[Zhen Anguo]

"I just sat down..." He grumbled as he lifted himself up and off the stool once more and awkwardly shuffled around Akira, making more physical contact than he would have liked, even if it was just having to place a steadying hand on her shoulder, and followed Vash outside. It was brisk, and cold. 'Guo had purchased his jacket for that very reason, he was pretty much immune to the cold thanks to his vigorous training regime, which included swimming in the icy cold sea, but walking around in sleeveless tops in the cold made him stick out like a sore thumb.

Stopping some three metres from Vash, he kept his back to his teacher and crossed his arms against his chest. Looking up at the sky he spoke.

"What is it?"

[Vash, the Angel's Moon]

"I won't ask you to accept it.... or even forgive me," I said, looking at 'Guo's turned back and feeling my heart sink, just a little. It was cold, the waning daylight peeking over the horizon and leaving the air drained of heat as fall approached. I wanted to reach out, but I knew he wouldn't accept it.

"But... will you at least give me the chance to explain, so that you might at least understand it?"

I tried to keep the sadness out of my voice, but I'm not really all that good at hiding my emotions from people I care about. I don't know whether it's a flaw or if it's simply a skill that I lack, but it can be.... hard.

[Zhen Anguo]

"Whatever..." He grumbled, trying to keep on the image of being annoyed, but at the end of the day, he was no good at being angry. He could steadily feel himself calming down but gods be damned, despite how little and short a life he had lived this was the first time he'd ever properly wanted to be angry at someone. He wanted to turn and shout at Vash, hell, he had wanted to hit him as much as he'd wanted to flip the table back in the inn, but he could still feel it all draining from him...

"Doesn't matter what you say... Or what I understand... You're still gonna' be a liar in my books..."

[Vash, the Angel's Moon]

I took a deep breath, searching my soul for the answers as to why, just why, I keep myself hidden. It's a philosophy that's grow and changed over the course of four millenia, and it was never simple to begin with.

Or... well, maybe it was.

"When I was born," I said quietly, "it was a dangerous time. We were created as messengers, gifts, of peace, designed to have our powers un-bound and used for the good of the world. But that world rejected us - that's why there are Lunar Knights. To be a Lunar, even a Lunar Knight, was to be the spark that ignited war. I learned that lesson the hard way."

I shook my head. "I don't have to ask you if you know how old I really am - I know that you have no idea. If you were any other Alloran, you might, but you aren't. The Lunars were created four millenia ago - four thousand years. Not four hundred.... four thousand. I'm older than the oldest saint, far older than any human, even a Ketulunan, could reach naturally, and I will never die. Over the course of my lifetime, I will watch you grow old, and feeble, and then you will die, and Kurai will die, and Rin will die, and I will be alone." I shook my head. "And if things had gone correctly... I would never have watched that happen. I would've walked out of your life after you were trained and gone somewhere else entirely for as long as it took, because you wouldn't ever have to know, to find out, that I had lied to you. And I wouldn't have had to watch another friend waste away and, for all my power and everything I am, I wouldn't be able to stop it." I clenched my fist, closed my eyes.

"I'm a selfish man, Guo. I would rather die than abandon a friend, but to never become friends at all? That I can do. I'd have done far worse than lie to you... and you'd never have known..."

I hate lying to people. I didn't tell 'Guo that I didn't think I'd have the strength to be a coward and run away, this time. Maybe I wouldn't have to; I could send 'Guo, Rin, and Akira on to Kurai, and disappear from their lives.

"And.... as for hiding who I am.... who I am is dangerous, Guo. My power can do things you couldn't even imagine. I am the embodiment of Necromancy, the complete master of death, and the only thing stopping me from using my power is me. If I lost control, if someone took control of me... I could destroy that inn, this village, everything within twenty miles. I've done it before."

I kneeled next to a lifeless corpse, the first person who had ever cared about me, the woman I'd chosen as my Knight, and I felt for the first time the desire to use my power to kill....

I shivered. "My power is a plague, and a blight. All I can hope is to do the best I can with it... but it is too dangerous to risk. If no mortal knows that I exist, as I am, then no mortal will ever learn my last great secret - the secret to controlling my power and using it as a weapon of war. The first friend I ever watched die, died because of me - I won't let that happen again."

[Zhen Anguo]

"So what...?" 'Guo responded bluntly, not turning to face his teacher as he tightened his hands into balled up fists. His anger welling slightly at the words before he continued speaking. "You say you won't let anyone wield your power, because you're scared of watching them die... So what about me, huh? What about Rin? Akira? Kurai? Shin? Daisy? What about all of us? What about your brothers and sisters who so openly trust us? You'll happily let them go through something so similar, yet you wish to hide yourself?" He was scowling now.

"Yeah, Vash, you're right... You are selfish..."

[Vash, the Angel's Moon]

"No, 'Guo. My refusal to take a Knight has nothing to do with what my power would do to them. And this has nothing to do with refusing to take a Knight." I shook my head, pushing old memories back to the background. "I'm not... doing a very good job at explaining. And I suppose, you're right, I am a selfish man. I would rather take my burdens on myself and myself alone. I lie to protect the people I care about, because I know there are some who would do anything in their power to take mine and weild it for themselves." I shook my head again. "And not just the small fragment that a Knight gets, filtered and bound and compressed into a package a human can handle. No, the whole thing - everything I am."

I closed my eyes. ....Kerrian. I'm about to do something incredibly, incredibly stupid. I won't break him.

And then I let go of the limits I place on my power in my own mind, calling my new cross to me and undoing the wraps I'd wound around the crystal set into the crossbar, and reached out to 'Guo, catching his wrist.

My power surged, and I controlled it, keeping it from burning out the limits he had on his own powers, keeping him from going berserk like Shin had simply by limiting the amount of exposure to raw power he had. I let him feel the vastness of my own energy, closed my eyes.

"All of this, in the hands of a madman... it's possible, 'Guo. The crystal set into my Cross is my heart and soul. He who keeps it, controls that power. Is it any wonder that four thousand years ago, this power of ours nearly caused a war? A war spawned by fear, that we would not be our own masters, that those who created us would take this power and use it against the places we had sworn to keep as our own. And when that war was averted.... another started. Because there were some who believed we shouldn't be our own masters."

I bared my soul to this young Knight, this idealist. This person I had once been.

"What would you do with it, 'Guo? Create peace on Allorum? Abolish war? But how would you do that? Would you turn it against your enemies or empower your allies? What you saw me do to those people who attacked us is only a fragment, a shard, of my true power. If I had wanted to, I could have stopped their hearts and stolen their life away to fuel an army of the dead; I could have unleashed my fury in a blast that would have leveled every structure in twenty miles without killing a single soul, or killed every living soul in the same radius and left every structure untouched, still standing."

I closed my eyes. "The crater left by the ships that crashed to Allorum was originally ringed with cities and towns, the refuges of the Ketulunans. The settlements created around its rim were each set ablaze that night, none left standing, burned to the ground and destroyed by the battle that followed. The mob killed the only person I have ever truly loved, and then I destroyed it so utterly not even the dead themselves could identify which piles of ash had once housed their souls. And then, in my rage and grief, I destroyed their souls..."

I said that I had bared my soul, and I meant it; in that moment, I was allowing him to feel everything I felt, see the scars that that night plus four thousand years had left in places no one could see. His bond with Kerrian and my careful control kept the experience from being painful, but such a bond couldn't last for long, and I released my grip on 'Guo's soul and locked my power away where it belonged. I turned away, releasing my grip on his arm as well - delicate, because I didn't want to hurt him, but my strength was there behind it.

"It was my fault," I said, voice raw and hoarse. "It was all my fault. I murdered six hundred people in an instant and a half, because I couldn't face that I was the cause of that slaughter of warriors, Knights, and townspeople. If it hadn't been for me, she wouldn't have died. If I had been just a little faster, just a little stronger, just a little smarter, I could have prevented it. And if I had been just a little more human, I could have died in her place."

I felt tears slipping down my face.

"So... yes, 'Guo. I'm a selfish man. I've always been a selfish man..."

[Zhen Anguo]

"Peace is a delusion, a delusion that can't be achieved with any power, not permanently. You know what I'd do with the power I'd have? I wouldn't fight, I wouldn't abolish war or create peace. I'd be a human being, not a weapon or a tool. I'd live my life as I've always been raised." He suddenly counted the lessons off on his fingers.

"Respect nature. Respect your fellow man. Never kill in anger. Never allow someone to harm nature. Never allow others to dampen your dreams. Protect your friends. Forgive your enemies. Enjoy the present. Forget the past. Live for the future." He lowered his hands to his sides with a sigh as he turned away from Vash.

"I'm a monk. Not a knight, or a fighter or whatever it is that people who normally do this are. Power to me isn't the ability to wipe all life out in a twenty mile radius, or destroying loads of stuff. Power to me is the ability to get knocked down by a man, be able to look him in the eye and feel no hate, because you're the better person. So what are you going to do Vash? You were knocked down at some point by someone, clearly. Can you look them in the eye?"

[Vash, the Angel's Moon]

"I don't know," I said quietly, looking back towards him. "THe only person I hate for what happened.... is me. Can I look myself in the eye? Maybe that's who I've been running from, this whole time. You're wise, for someone your age, you know, 'Guo. It took you... to make me see the truth."

I felt a smile touch my face, a genuine smile. It felt good, and I brushed the tears out of my eyes. "I don't know how well I'll be able to do it. Stop running, I mean... But... can you forgive me... if I try?"

[Zhen Anguo]

"What can I say..?" He mumbled, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He turned to look at Vash and gave a small shrug. "I'm a monk... I'd sort of be going against my own stereotype if I was as thick as a rock..."